Remus vs the YMCA
by LuxaLovesLawnmowers
Summary: Remus was wallowing in his depression, minding his own business, when a very unwanted vistor comes up and starts singing? Will Remus survive the sudden onslaught of weird from the leader of the Village People? Yeah, that's right. it's... the Y.M.C.A!


Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or the Village People. Yea. The Village People. You'll see.

Ok, this is pure crack, and a ONESHOT. It was born of late night Guitar Hero with my friends. Review please!

* * *

Remus Lupin sighed. It had been a year since the Potters' had died, and his heart still ached with the loss. To make matters worse, he hadn't shaved in a week, his clothes were tattered and ripped, and he had nowhere to go. He had no future, if you asked him.

At the moment that he thought that, a man popped out of nowhere. He had a microphone and was getting ready to sing. Alarmingly, he was looking right at Remus!

"Young man, there's no need to feel down!" he bellowed.

Remus started backing away. He didn't know who this was, but he wasn't sticking around to find out.

"I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground!"

Ok, now Remus was seriously scared. He knew James and Sirius would probably be laughing at this guy, but Remus wasn't like them. He just started running. The guy chased him.

"I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town! There's no need to be unhappy!"

Remus frowned. He couldn't believe this Muggle was scaring him. He, Remus Lupin, werewolf and war hero, wasn't going to be intimidated by this weird Muggle.

"Look here, Mr. I don't appreciate-"he began.

The man ignored him and continued to sing. "Young man, there's a place you can go!"

The surrounding Muggles were beginning to notice them. Remus didn't know what to do.

"Go away!"

"I said, young man, when you're short on your dough!"

"I'm always short on my dough, so go away!

"You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time!"

"I'm quite happy with staying depressed, so leave me alone!"

Remus was leading the man to the top of a hill.

Now the man was doing some weird arm gestures. "It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A! It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A!"

Remus took out his wand. "Now go away and leave me alone!

"They have everything for young men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys…"

"Dude, this isn't a slash fanfic! I'm straight! GO AWAY!"

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A! It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A!"

Remus sent a Stunning spell at the Muggle. It missed, and the creepy singer seemed even happier.

"You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel..."

"GO AWAY!"

"Young man, are you listening to me? I said, young man, what do you want to be?"

"I want to be away from you!"

"I said, young man, you can make real your dreams. But you got to know this one thing!"

Remus stopped, fury emanating from his every pore. "What do I have to know?" he said quite calmly.

"No man does it all by himself. I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf, and just go there, to the Y.M.C.A. I'm sure they can help you today."

"I don't have the slightest idea what the Y.M.C.A is, sir, but I'm not going there."

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.! It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.!"

Remus sent a well-aimed Disarming Curse at him, and it hit. The microphone was knocked out of his hand. He just sang louder.

"WHAT ARE YOU!" yelled Remus.

"They have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys..."

"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not gay!"

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.! It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.!"

"WILL YOU STOP SINGING THAT!"

"You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel ..."

Remus tried to rid himself of the annoying pest, but all his attempts failed.

"Young man, I was once in your shoes. I said, I was down and out with the blues. I felt no man cared if I were alive. I felt the whole world was so jive..."

"You were never in my shoes! You're not a werewolf and all your friends aren't dead! So go away! And what does jive even mean?" shouted Remus angrily.

The man took no heed of this. "That's when someone came up to me,  
And said, young man, take a walk up the street. There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A. They can start you back on your way."

Remus was on the point of physically assaulting him.

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.! It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.!"

"NOT IF YOU'RE THERE!"

"They have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys ..."

"I AM NOT GAY, I AM STRAIGHT!"

"Y.M.C.A... you'll find it at the Y.M.C.A.! Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.  
Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground!"

"GO AWAY OR I'LL HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION!"

"Y.M.C.A ... you'll find it at the Y.M.C.A.! Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.  
Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground!"

"STOP TELLING ME THAT!"

"Y.M.C.A ... just go to the Y.M.C.A! Young man, young man, are you listening to me?  
Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?"

"I WANT TO BE RID OF YOU!"

And just like that, the man headed off in the other direction after a new victim, since he had finished his song. Remus considered warning the new recipient of this horror, until he saw who the man was going for. Smiling to himself, he sat down on a bench.

* * *

And less than an hour later, the dead body of the leader of the Village People was pushed into a dark alley.

"No one will accuse me of not having CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" said a gruff voice.

* * *

Where would we be without our dear old Mad-Eye? Running from crazy Village People probably. Review or I'll set one of the others on you!


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